It's not what's for dinner

See previous post (finger licking bad) for an explanation. Here is my first draft of the menu. I expect some revisions.

NOW SHOWING "Harry Potty"

I'm not one to brag about any accomplishment I might have made. Some people have diplomas or large trophy's. I have a certificate that cannot be obtained with any amount of education or training.
I got my first job in 93. I worked as a trasher at a local theater. My job consisted of sweeping up large amounts of popcorn between shows and other sugary debris patrons left behind. I was pretty excited to work there and planned on retiring there as well. We always found new ways to make our job exciting. I perfected the art of throwing a full 44 ounce cup of soda from any where in the theater into a trash container on wheels. I was good, real good. Anyways while I advanced in my career as a theatrical trash removal engineer I obtained a vest that was burgundy instead of black. This separated me from the other engineers. It let customers and management know I had been picking up other peoples shit longer than the other employees. This came with responsibilities. 12 theater screens are hard to maintain and need a burgundy-clad leader to keep them clean. I failed as a concession and ticket salesman but excelled in sweeping and ticket tearing. I did it with pride. I liked working late shifts because nights went by much quicker. You also see more people, I am a fan of people watching. One night I am cleaning one of the last theaters of the night. I get a call over my walkie talkie. I am told to get to the bathroom because an incident has been reported. Incident usually consisted of lack of paper towels or spilled soda. I rush to the bathroom in a flash of burgundy. Counters and floor are clean, paper towels stocked. I open the large handicap stall to see someone disapproved of the choice of tile and decided to redecorate. Apparently the Jackson Pollock of feces visited the theater that night and smeared his waste all over the wall. Being the last trasher of the night I engineered a hazmat suit that was part polyester part hefty bag. I wore bags on my legs, arms, and torso. I also made a hefty mask with eyeholes. I had to wear my glasses on the outside due to fogging. I entered the shit filled arena and reluctantly removed the mess. I exited the bathroom into the lobby expecting the slow clap that results in a full-on ovation from management. The lobby was empty. I went to clock out and report to management the mess was gone. Boss replied oh..o.k. That BASTARD! Months pass, I slowly started to hate my job, my vest now a dark pink from too many washes. I am notified we will be having a company party with all three locations at our theater. I had to work that night but the party was after hours. At least 100 employees gather in a theater to eat, drink and get to know one another. They announce it is time to present the awards. The big man with mic in hand announces awards for record sales in both concessions and ticket sales. Managers are given fancy gift baskets and gift cards. Big man has one more award to announce. " I would like to present the next award to Rudy Flores for the quick removal of feces". I am sitting at the top row of the theater because I am the only one in a vest and bowtie. I begin my slow walk to the bottom to receive my laminated certificate. I am greeted with a crowd of 100 people cheering "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy" because Rudy the movie had come out that summer and it was the right thing to do.
I also got a Rudy Movie water bottle, Rudy Movie pin and poster. .
Someday I will get around to framing my certificate.

New sketch.

Finger Licking Bad

My job is to take peoples ideas whether good or bad and make it useful. It doesn't seem too exciting, but I make signs. If you ever found your way from point A to point B it's because of somebodies efforts to help you get there. If you know the indoor from the outdoor or push from pull it's because of us. If you like grown ups dressed as tacos, animals or The Statue of Liberty while holding sale signs, you are welcome. If you like all the signs on the south side of town we had nothing to do with that, they all borrow the same stencil. We are here to help people convey a message but to do so a little work is required from the customer. I mention this because of a current job. If you have ever ordered a delicious meal from a menu it's not because of these types of sketches or schematics. I'm a fan of ethnic food and willing to try most things. My problem is not with the food itself although it does contain various skins and unknown nectars. My problem is with the notes. I would have a better chance of getting his menu right if he dropped a box of scrabble letters and took a photo and asked me to make sign featuring his culinary delights. I tried typing each item into google. A person can read "did you mean" only so many times. I was ready for someone from google to call me and ask if me keyboard was malfunctioning. I am used to vague ideas and indecision but this is new to me. I will get through this. If any one needs a party catered let me know, I can get you a good deal.

Horse Detector

This happened quite a few years back but it just barely became funny. So much went wrong it was hard to appreciate it at the time. I guess it was around 2000 my friends and I planned on going to Mesa Amphitheater to see the Deftones and Incubus. I was a big fan of both but this was my first opportunity to see Incubus, I was determined. My best friend and I met drove together to a mutual friends house here in Tucson were we planned on meeting another friend who had the tickets. We had about an hour before the show started and still had the drive ahead of us. Our friend had forgotten the tickets half way to the meeting point and had to go back. He finally arrived. As we are about to leave a door to door salesman selling a years supply of oil changes knocks on the door. We assumed our friend who lives there and who was also the driver would tell the salesman no thanks instead invites the man in. We now have a new set back and aren't getting any closer to seeing the show. After a half hour sales pitch our friend buys a lifetime of oilchanges. We finally head towards Phoenix. Our driver with his new supply of oil changes sets up his newly purchased police scanner he got on ebay. While on the freeway we pass and are passed by several Police cars. His scanner is completely silent. He adjust his auction scanner again and again. We could have been in a parade of police cars and the scanner would have done nothing. We see a trailer of horses passing us and the scanner starts to beep. We drive a few more miles and pass a ranch with horses that are visible from the freeway and the scanner goes off again. We tell the driver that we think he got tricked and accidentaly bought a horse scanner on ebay. Our other friend proceeded to tell him he is very gullible. He mentioned how he was going to dress as an oxygen salesman and come to his door and try to sell him a lifetime supply. He offered to deliver it weekly, and how he didn't have to be home to sign and recieve it. The driver was starting to get annoyed but we all were. We get to the show I could here Incubus playing their last song from the parking lot. I was very disappointed. We see the Deftones who sounded terrible that night by the way, and we had to watch them in the rain in an out door venue. We finally leave the show. Soaked and saddened we all pack in the car. We are on our way back to Tucson when we pass a horse trailer and the scanner goes crazy. We all laugh with the exception of the driver. He tells us we should hit the Wendy's bathroom before we get on the freeway. We all agree and hop out of the truck again with the exception of the driver. 3 of us go into the Wendy's. When we come out our friend with the horse detector, lifetime oil changes and free oxygen supply has left. We walk the parking lot for an hour looking for him hoping he has cooled of. We are all broke and have no cell phones. We walk back to Wendy's which is now closed but has a few customers inside. I look into Wendy's and see friend from Tucson I had not seen in about 8 years. I try to communicate with him through the window while it's raining outside. I look like a wet crazy guy. He finally comes out with a girl, they were on there first date.
I tell him the situation. Luckily he still lived in Tucson and was only there for the Deftones show.
I said I'm sorry to interupt the date but can you give the 3 of us a ride. He said no problem. We run to the parking lot only to find a small pickup truck. I tried calling shotgun but his date wouldn't have it. The 3 of us crawl into the back of the truck as it is still pouring and begin to spoon because of the lack of space. We find some cardboard packing materials to cover ourselves. As the cardboard rapidly desinigrates from the rain it starts to let out tons of packing foam and confetti like paper. With all the rain and wind the packing paper starts to stick to our clothing and faces. We could not help but to laugh at each other as we spooned while covered in confetti. The harder we laughed the more paper we would swollow. That was the longest hour and a half ever. We finally get to the drivers house. Unfortunately he lives in a gated community and no one had the code. We climbed the wall like paper covered bandits. The 3 of us got to our cars but did not see the drivers truck in the lot. We all went home. I found out the next day as soon as the driver got home he felt bad so went back to the Wendy's parking lot to get us but had no way of know we were all home asleep. Never make fun of the driver.

Kevin Bacon looks embalmed

What happened to Mambo 1-4